Thursday, August 20, 2009

Passion...less? (Off topic)

I've been feeling a bit lethargic about a lot of things lately. I don't know if I've finally become cynical or senile (probably a mixture of both) but things that seemed important to me not too long ago suddenly aren't so important.
My hobbies and the passion I had for them are wilting. For example, I love art. I can paint, sketch, sculpture, photograph, write, etc anything. And not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty good at it. But I do it because I LOVE it. Recently-I haven't been doing it as much. I can't even remember the last home project I had just for fun. My canvas' are in storage, my paints are starting to dry up, and I've lost a good bit of my brushes. Someone stole my memory stick at school for my camera and I've just been too nonchalant to replace it (it's fairly cheap to replace).
I also love music. When I was fourteen I received my first acoustic guitar which I cherished. I still have it but ever since my older brother thought he should get one too and practically copied all the songs I was doing, started listening to the music I listen to, etc I lost passion for that as well. I guess, I used to be so artistically inclined as well as productive and now I just feel so...apathetic.
It's not even just my past hobbies anymore that's being infected. College just seems like an annoying bug on my windshield. If I don't go I cannot get a decent paying job or support myself in the future (at least not without struggling) . Not going is not an option according to my family-more specifically my parents who already have a doctor son and lawyer daughter. Things are going well with my boyfriend but I don't feel like putting 100% in the relationship like I originally planned. What do I need a boyfriend for anyway? I'm only 18-but I can't imagine myself with out him.

Sometimes I honestly want to pack up and move. Out of the country. Anywhere.

Not necessarily running away from my problems but just relocating to find myself again. I have a rebel sister who basically went against everything my parents said she should do. And she seems so happy. She's lived all over America. Has this amazing jet setting lifestyle and it works for her. She was my age when she ran away. But I'm too chicken shit to do that.

It's like all the teen angst I never had in my early teens to middle teens is coming back to haunt me in my late teens. I should be so ecstatic and excited right now because the world is my oyster, so to speak. Right now should be the best time of my life but I just feel empty.

Or is restless more the word?